To The Young

I’ve been thinking about this for some time. I’ve been hesitant though. The main reason I’ve been delaying is because I’ve had a hard time facing the feelings of grief. The world isn’t in the same condition it was when I got to be part of it. This realization, this steady drumbeat of loss, haunts me. It makes facing anyone hard. I have some shame here, the loss of species, habitat, forests and ecological security that have happened during my time on Earth, and it leaves me speechless. I feel some responsibility, both to the Earth, and to future generations. How can I say anything during such a time of devastation? Yet, I know I must, I feel a responsibility to speak to the young about what is. I just don’t know how I am going to do it.

I can feel the losses. I know that some of the places I wanted to take my daughter to, don’t exist anymore. The life of the planet has changed. We humans have had an affect. I am not in denial about any of that. I can feel the impulse to apologize. I know in someway, that I am culpable. I didn’t die to protect the integrity of the Earth. I let my vigilance wander. I know it. I am in the first generation of humans to live with the fact that we humans have wrecked the nest. From that vantage point I turn towards the young, towards the future, fully acknowledging how my generation lit fire to the house.

The house might burn down. There may not be a future. Life may have other plans for humanity. I don’t know. All I do know, as I face you, the one’s who inherit this mess, this deep uncertainty, is that I feel a complex amalgam of feelings. I admire the pluck, imagination, passion and heart fullness, I sense in you.  I have a bittersweet feeling, which comes with handing the baton off to you. I’m proud of you. At the same time, I have a harder time saying I’m proud of me. I’ve been alive during this whole historical age of environmental carnage, and I know what you are missing.

The world has changed. I, and my generation, have affected it. We have had an impact on the environment. At the same time, perhaps more slowly, the wrecked environment; has had an affect upon us. Speaking entirely for myself, it has taken me a long time to learn. I am the Earth; the things that I have been doing to it (despite protesting and being an environmental activist), I have also been doing to others, and to myself. The whole of the environment is suffering; nature in all of its external niches, and nature in all of its internal places. This is what I have to give you.

The planet groans, as we, humans, decide if we are ready to grow up. The story of our unfolding Universe isn’t going to stop with you or me. It will go on. It looks like, in this moment, the real question is how far along that unfolding trajectory are we, humans, going to go? Evolving is such an uncertain endeavor.

The response to that uncertainty lies in the hands of you and future generations (if there are any).  I would not have you facing any less of a challenge. It may be humanity’s ideal to leave the next generation more secure, comfortable and likely to survive.  But instead, it appears, that you are being left something less secure and more uncertain. I don’t like the damage I, and my generation, have created. On the other hand though, I have to say, you are entering a more overtly uncertain time in our species life. That uncertainty is perhaps more realistic than I, and my age-cohor,t were handed.  Optimism met me., uncertainty meets you. Truthfully, I don’t know which of us is more blessed.

There is another attribute of this moment I want you to know about. I failed miserably during certain eras of my life. I believed that I was deficient, because the challenges were beyond me. My sense of self was in the toilet. All of that misery, I subsequently learned, was necessary, to make me malleable to learning. It took most of this lifetime for me to get that the miracle that my life contains, has never been my doing. I am presently, the happiest I’ve ever been, because this life has taught me, that what is miraculous about it, is not only not in my control, but located somewhere beyond my doing. The world is a miracle — despite the doing of my kind.

Life seems to be in charge. The miracle of it goes on, despite my insensitivity, maybe even because of it. At last, I am humbled enough so that I can say, without any irony, “ I don’t know.” Maybe the life I’m leaving, the one I am passing on to you, isn’t what I think it is. I have this strange feeling that I should apologize, I know I blundered badly (as I still am), but I also know, that what I’m passing on has a life of its own, and might just deliver you to something I couldn’t expect. Some strange unlikelyhood has carried me to places I didn’t know were possible, I think it is just as likely to continue for you that way.

Good Luck!

Forgive me!

Don’t forget!

I love you!

And,

Be Yourself!

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For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com (2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com  (2014 on)

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net

Near Death and Extinctions

After my stroke, in 2003, I had a near death experience (NDE). My NDE was very unusual. So much so, that I’ve not seen or heard anything like it. I want to write about it. To let people know what I went through, and to excavate the experience; to see what light it might shed upon the experience that is occurring globally today. I do this with a queasy feeling in my gut, because of the uneasy self-revelation such a course of action asks of me, and because of the level of heartache involved in looking at the global scene. Having lived, and been wised up by the experience of near death, I think this is essentially a hopeful inquiry, which has to be painful, before it reveals something better.

I perched on death’s threshold for a long time (nearly 4 years). During this long uncertain, unknowing period, I lived (if you could call it that) as a terminal patient. My planning horizon was never more than 24 hours. I was close enough to death that I could go at anytime. I had no control, and could only exist in a very narrow and tenuous way. I didn’t die. That is why almost no one (but me) sees this as a NDE. I was close to death, but I didn’t cross over.

Like other NDE’s I had a great shift in my perspective, but I find that the perspective rendered by this experience is not of much interest to others. I didn’t die, and come back with reassuring stories of the other side. I write about it now anyway, because I think that dying in this way, becoming nearly extinct, and believing oneself done, is very relevant to the global reality we find ourselves in.

Nearly dying taught me some things, things that took awhile to sink in, things that have become so real that I have been altered forever. Dying has had some very personal meaning for me, but this tract is not really about that. Instead, what it is about, is how living with the sure knowledge of my impending death, and losing functionality on a regular basis, changed my consciousness, and is leading me to live quite differently. My NDE has a lot of pertinence to the loss of life that is happening — with accelerating impact — upon our biosphere.

Life, through mass extinctions, and changes to our environment, is slowly being brought close to the edge. Anxiety about what’s going to happen; is like the apprehension I felt as I realized I was on an apparent terminal trajectory. Oh sure, almost naturally, I began to savor life more as I was losing it, but so too did my regrets clarify, and more importantly, to this way of seeing things, I discovered that the life I led was not actually my own. My life was actually Life’s life. By nearly dying I came to the realization that I was part of Nature, part of the whole of existence.

I have tried all of the practices designed to convey how intrinsically woven, we humans are, into the natural environment. I was a naturalist, and one who meditated, did spiritual practices, went on vision fasts, and became an eco-psychologist. I thought I got it, but the truth of it didn’t come home to me, until I nearly died, and I was forced by my own impending demise, to grasp that I was not only part of Life, but that I am Life. Everything has changed as a consequence. Now I see the vulnerability of Life on Earth differently. I don’t know if humanity will persist, but I do sense that Life will, and that we humans are going to learn as never before. The death of our species, and many others, will come. I don’t know if it will be now, or later, but I think, based upon my experience that a time of mass learning is here.

Death, I can tell you, has very sobering affects. It brings one surely to what really matters. Life, strangely, always benefits. The life of this planet, the thin blue biosphere that so many of us treasure, will benefit too. Humanity needs, I think, to vividly experience its part, not only in the whole, but as the whole. When Life suffers, we suffer. This needs to be clear, and for me, I had to nearly die, to really get that.

Dying was never really an option for me, it was close —I learned that I am no longer mine — Life brought this body back from the brink, but this living organism isn’t occupied in the same way. This is the nature of my prayer now, that suffering will wise us all up, that we may learn how to better occupy this place. Death may be favoring us — the way the mystic’s say it is.

I am evidence that tragedy can be instructive, that it can lead to new unseen possibilities.  I don’t relish being stripped down, having no sure way to orient, becoming only a quivering mass, but I do now know that Life can, and does, work miracles even with its own dregs.

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For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com (2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com  (2014 on)

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net

Freedom

I want to write about freedom. I’ve learned over time that freedom might be one of the most important motivating factors in life. I feel like I need to be careful about this subject. I believe I have learned that one person’s freedom (for instance, mine) may not be someone else’s idea of freedom at all. That makes reflecting out loud (or writing) about freedom a little sticky, a great chance to exercise freedom. I am not an expert on it, except I feel it quite compelling and I find myself dealing with the desire to exercise and feel free all the time. I have reason to believe this isn’t just my personal concern, but something that comes to the foreground again (as it tends to in adolescence) with age. Therefore I’ll proceed, though I know I might do so badly, from other perspectives.

Freedom, for me, seems to add up to the freedom to be myself. Since. I really don’t know what my self is. I need to be free to find out.  Freedom, in that case, isn’t really enshrined in the constitution. Freedom in constitutional terms seems to speak to the freedom of the masses. It applies to me as one of the people, but not to me as a unique soul trying to find a way toward true expression of my authenticity. That is the kind of governed freedom that I enjoy, but it doesn’t go far enough towards social freedom. There is still a little danger out there.

The rights of minorities are protected, that is, if you can prove you are one. You have to be part of some protected class to enjoy that freedom. Until then, you have the rights bequeathed you, as an individual, by the constitution. That makes one, ostensibly a free citizen, but I would argue one still has a lot of stuff to handle before one frees oneself. Being socially free is hard.

Being free of the past is for many people hard enough. Add to that, the desire to be free to just be oneself, and one has added a complex deeper level of freedom aspiration. Freedom then, is a social thing, a desire to be unencumbered by others, which contains another more complex dimension, deeper than simply wanting others out of the way. I think that there is an important dimension of freedom that is an inside job. I have a deep sense that freedom that depends on others, even others of good will, isn’t really free. Therefore, even though I love and benefit by the constitution, I do not think it insures the kind of freedom I find myself desiring.

The freedom I want can only be conferred on me by me. That means, I have to acquire it. And, I can’t really fool myself into believing I have it. I can only convince myself I have this freedom by exercising it. I know I am free, because I keep showing myself I am. Oddly, perhaps paradoxically, I am freer to go along with others when I have convinced myself of my freedom.

This is all quite circular. The freedom to be myself is acquired, by that I mean it’s a product of development and the will to exercise it, but it is mainly a product of inner work. If one is fighting with anything outside, on the behalf of freedom, one is stuck, caught up in need for some outside permission. In this case, one isn’t free.

Freedom is complex, not at all obvious. Maybe, that’s why it seems to be a preoccupation of the elderly. It could be that this issue is so complex that it takes a lifetime. It makes sense to me, that doing the development that it actually takes to free oneself to be oneself, requires time and effort. Most of us haven’t had the time until now, and I’ll bet many of us didn’t have the personal incentive either. As time is running out, one begins to realize that if one is going to become oneself then this kind of freedom is really important.

So, even though I have been a therapist, and a guide for some people’s spiritual development, I have repeatedly looked in the wrong place for freedom. I mistakenly looked outside myself. I relied too much on others, seeking good communication, people willing to go beyond themselves, and even those who appeared to have the right kind of values. It took a long time, but I finally got that all that was beside the point. I alone am responsible for my freedom, and I have work to do to acquire and maintain this level of freedom. In other words, my freedom to be myself isn’t free, it requires me to be doing my inner work.

There isn’t an independence day for this level of accomplishment. There should be, because this is really doing something, it is really being a freedom fighter, it is heroism of the rarest form. Well I guess there is something right about all of those fireworks being internal, not splashy, and sort of calm. This freedom conveys a quiet confidence, which only one who has worked for it within, celebrates. Freedom of this sort is less visible, but one can feel it.

The freedom to be oneself seems justly situated. What I am learning is that it is within each one of us. Grasping it is a matter of personal desire. Who knows what hell (or heaven) one might have to go through to get to it. And, it is apparent not everybody does.  I am dismayed by the number, who thinking freedom is out there, have grown discouraged by not finding it there, and have given up, now thinking that pursuing this kind of freedom is a foolish waste of time. The world can be a grievous place to be free in, as well as a heaven here on Earth.

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For more pieces like this go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life go to http://www.davidgoff.net

Innocence

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about something I’m seeing in myself, and in some other aging people. I feel a little foolish referring to it. I thought at first that it might just go away on its own, but instead it seems to be growing, and shaping a new outlook. My mind is changing. If the truth be told, it is changing despite me, no matter what I think. Life seems to be out ahead of me, shifting things around, drawing me into a new way of seeing. I like it, I fear it, and I go along for the ride. I’ve been kidnapped by Life, and lately, I’ve been stripped down to something quivering and miraculous. I mean I am innocent again, like I was as a child, but now different in some worldly way.

At first I thought it was just a new level of naiveté, revealing how idealistic and ungrounded I am, but now I’m considering another possibility. Thanks to Allan Chinen M.D., a Jungian psychiatrist and author, I ran across a perspective that has begun to re-shape my view. He is a collector of cross-cultural fairytales about the elder years. In one of his books entitled In The Ever After, I found a reference to what he perceived as a form of elder innocence. This got me started thinking. Something in me stirred, and out of that stirring comes these reflections.

When I was a child, like all other children, I was innocent. I basically knew nothing; the world was a total mystery. I was thoroughly amazed by the way of things, and found delight and fear in the moment, as I discovered the world. This is one of the attributes of childhood that is widely referred to as one of the gifts of that age. In some ways, I think that is why childhood is so romanticized. An infants view is rich with fascination, discovery and engagement. Newness coats everything. It is like Christmas morning every moment.

My view of innocence is largely of a time past, a never returning moment when the world was more fascinating than dangerous, and I never had a moments concern about belonging. It was a facet of childhood that is memorable — for its presence, as well as its absence —that is now gone; and that makes babies and infants so compelling. There is something numinous about childhood innocence, a little taste of the miraculousness of life.

Recently, I have begun to think that what I thought was a forever-lost aspect of the past, has returned in a new unexpected form. I find this experience miraculous too. Here is what I mean. I have noticed, and have been experiencing for myself, that as I age, I get wiser, in my case that seems to mean that I know I know less and less. As I’m growing older the world is also becoming more and more mysterious. This is something different from losing my memory. I’m growing more confident in my knowing despite knowing less and less with much certainty. How can that be?

I believe it can be, because a new form of innocence is returning.  Something very adaptive and engaging is setting in. This is not something that is adequately described as the advent of a “second childhood.” This is its own phenomena, a trick of nature, an experiential happening that has a merit and meaning of its own.

Strangely, this development takes a lifetime to happen.  The more one knows, the fuller the life experience, the greater the contact with the unknown. Eventually one realizes that not much is known. When this realization sets in, and becomes a part of one’s day to day experience, a kind of innocence returns. It is an adult innocence, a perception of the amazing anew.

I think it important to highlight the onset of this kind of innocence, because we, as a culture, are currently squandering it. I want, like Allan Chinen, people (especially old people) to know that there is a return to experiencing the world anew that happens specifically in old age. The world is still hanging around waiting for us to know it. Now, like children of the past, and unlike children, we have a matured (ripened) and capable chance to know it more fully. I think our (us old folks) voices are needed for many reasons, but perhaps the most important of them all, is to help re-enchant the world.

This is a natural development, innocence returned, one that reveals how organically humans are woven into the structure of what’s happening. This isn’t the product of spiritual practice, psychology, or any kind of practice of healthy living. It is simply Life having its way with us. It is a shame that old people are largely ignored, and babies are so greatly valued. I don’t think either should be devalued, but for my money, I would bet on the innocence of those who have some sense of what we as a species do. I think that form of innocence is more likely to lead us out of the woods.

When one is innocent like a child, and is an adult, then one enters into a world that has deep and ancient miracles.

In The Ever After by Allan Chinen, M.D., 1989, published by Chiron. It can be found in libraries and on Amazon used.

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For more pieces like this go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life go to http://www.davidgoff.net